Tag Archives: funny

Labor of Love Part 2

continued from Part One…

 

Wednesday, August 14, 2013. My sister agreed to take me to the hospital. As I sat at my mother’s kitchen table, all that I was thinking about was how tired I was. I couldn’t wait to get the checkup over with so I could come home and try to get some sleep.

My sister finally arrived at my mom’s, and I quickly whisked her out of the kitchen and we were on the road. It was like any other drive. There was no talk of labor, or babies. In fact, I noticed she had stopped for a coffee on her way to pick me up!

We headed straight for labor and delivery, as they were expecting me. When the nurse took me to an exam room, she explained that she reviewed my charts while I was en route, and the facts weren’t in my favor. Many times pregnant women experience false labor, she said, and since I was previously a failure to progress, the chance was extremely low that active labor had begun on its own. She said she’d do a quick exam make me comfortable and then I’d be on my way home.

There wasn’t much time for introductions. It was early, the staff was changing shifts, and there had been a few overnight deliveries. We got down to business. The nurse hooked me up to a contractions monitor, took both my vitals and the babies, then left to get a midwife. The midwife returned, looked at all the monitors and my medical history, and decided to do an internal exam.

My sister sat to my right, drinking her coffee. We both waited for the midwife to say something. Anything. She remained poker faced, and we couldn’t tell what was going on. She took off her gloves, looked at the monitor again, then turned to me and smiled. “Congratulations! You’re 6.5 cm dilated. Guess you’re staying.”

I looked at my sister, who almost dropped her coffee. We were as much in shock as the nurse, who returned with my admissions paperwork. The nurse said by the way I walked in and m overall demeanor, no one expected me to be in full on labor mode. My little boy would be here by the end of the day.

Reality started setting in. Wally was over 500 miles away, and wasn’t scheduled to fly in until the next day. He was going to miss the birth of his son. I had a few moments to process this information but then my brain shifted to survival mode. Planning, organizing, sorting, whatever needed to be done mentally to get through this.

My sister left the room to report the news to my mother. Needless to say, there was a level of surprise from everyone I had contact with throughout the night, even my other sister’s coworkers. As my nurse began the usual routine of baby delivery, prepping the room, poking me with things, attaching monitors and loud beeping machines to me, we started engaging in conversation. She asked who was with me today, and I FINALLY introduced my sister.

The nurse laughed and said, “oh, she’s your sister!” which it then became apparent she assumed we were a couple. I proceeded to tell her about Wally’s situation, which was becoming more stressful by the moment. He was trying to change his flight, which we all know is usually as simple as writing a neuro-physics dissertation. With the help of his boss, he sat at the Dayton airport, in a desperate attempt to get a seat on the next plane to anywhere in PA.

to be continued…

Scent of a Woman…With a New Dishwasher

Like most people, I prefer eating off of clean dishes. When we moved to our new home, which was equipped with a dishwasher, I was overjoyed. While slightly saddened by the fact that we would no longer compete for the title of “Best Dish Stacker”, (you know, where you stack the most dishes in the sink, or in the dish board), I was happy to not have to get my hands truly dirty.

Since I am allergic to one of the best grease fighting detergents on the market, we always had to settle for the next step down when it came to dish detergent. It’s a good thing there were never any oil slicked ducks roaming around my kitchen, because they’d be screwed.

Being a new dishwasher owner, I stared at the shelf containing the large variety of detergents available on the market. From pacs, to gels, to powder, packages were labeled with words like “Platinum”, and “Ultimate”. I started buying in, thinking to myself: “I want my dishes clean. Like ultimately clean. Like platinumly clean.”

But clean is clean. Right? Apparently not. Sure you can go with the “Original” formula, but then you’d risk your dishes just being clean. Aren’t your dishes worth more than that? I decided mine were, and definitely opted for the dishwasher deluxe spa package.

Then something else caught my eye. There were SCENTS! Suddenly, I went from standing in the cleaning aisle at Kroger to the middle of a Bath and Body Works shop where your nose is so overwhelmed you have to buy one of everything.

As I started determining if I wanted Lavender Harvest, or Fresh Lemon Grove, (ooo, this one comes in Ocean Breeze), it suddenly occurred to me that not only would this scent only be emitted within the confines of my dishwasher, but that there’s truly no need for fragrance on my dishes.

I’ve never seen anyone smell a plate BEFORE putting food on it. Have you? Leave me a comment and let me know!dishwasher

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Trespassing Shmuspassing

 

Continued from The Parking Saga…

A “No Trespassing” sign. Right there, smack dab in the middle of her front door. That’s right. My crazy neighbor decided it wasn’t obvious enough that one should not break into her home, and saw necessity in hanging a sign on her door.

No Tresspassing

This got me thinking. I’m new out here, and just learning the local laws and ordinances. Maybe I missed something. Is there a law that says you can only defend yourself in the case of a home invasion of you had a sign that says people shouldn’t break in? There’s always that fine print that defense attorneys love to find.

Should I get one? Is my new home not safe? Why doesn’t anyone else have one on the street?

I considered the source and decided to observe the situation. Now I’ve seen no trespassing signs in people’s yards, or on garages or large spaces of land, but never on someone’s front door.

After about 3 days, the sign moved to the top of the door. A few days later, to the bottom. Then it disappeared completely. Now I was even more curious? Who does this? And do the burglars approach the door and say “Oh, I was going to break in but I see there’s a sign.”

After a few days of trying to make sense of the whole sign conundrum, I had just started to give up. That’s when a simple walk by front window led me to another clue. The screen door didn’t close completely.

Even the sheriff stopped to make sure everything was ok, as the door was swinging in the “Windiana” weather. I suppose it didn’t latch properly.  So my neighbor would come and go, paying no mind to her broken door, or making any attempt to rectify the situation.

That must be the reason for the sign. After not seeing the sign for about a week, it suddenly reappeared on the door again. What is going on?  Ignore a broken door but taken time to hang a sign?

Just when I stopped trying to understand, the answer became clear: A big fat fluffy cuteness of a squirrel came running out of the doorway. So the sign was to ward off home invaders, just not the kind I’m used to. Unfortunately for my neighbor, squirrels can’t read.

The market is getting hot for Harlequin Squirrel Romance.

The market is getting hot for Harlequin Squirrel Romance.

 

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